Surfers Are Twats (Part 1) - Localism

Elation to irksome and petulant in one moment.This is as much of being a surfer as the more fabled 'stoked & stoned' persona that the not surfing world like to slap on us.

The reality of living with a surfer cannot be and is not one of joy. Unpredictable, unstable, unreliable, prone to instant depression and all this based on a meteorological misdemeanor. We are at a glance and in essence 'selfish twats'.

The saintly non-surfing spouses that accommodate these personality defects are life's 'angels'. (That's my wife and many others)

I will now attempt to explain the in-explainable, to valiantly go down a rabbit hole that may have no end, but fortune favours the bold so let's go.

Why are all surfers twats?

Why do we all surf? We all surf for fun. For the feeling it gives us and because that feeling is amongst the most marvellous and wonderful in existence. I will not go into this, just accept non-surfers, that this is a fact.

We surf for ourselves, for our OWN enjoyment. You are now thinking of all the excuses. Two classics of such , I would like to dispel here :

1-' They knew what they were getting themselves into when they met me.'  -You are basically admitting you are a twat right there. Another way of writing that sentence might be. 'He/She knew I was a twat when she met me.'

2 - This is a classic ' Its not like golf, you can't just go and get it every Saturday at 10am.'- Firstly, this is true. Unfortunately the twatishness is so deeply rooted that most of us miss it. What you are saying is that because we (surfers) NEED our fix, and we do or there is hell to pay, you are destined to live your whole life on a hair trigger, knowing that we might disappear or let you down at any point in any day. For surfing. For ourselves. Twats.

Some people are competitive surfers, to them surfing is a job? Nope. They too are twats. Also anyone else that says that surfing is in any way work. You are great big, hairy twats. Why James? Why get so offensive. I will tell you, because these guys have the excuse that the rest of us want. They are those that say the lie so often that they start to believe it's valid. Twats.

So, we have cemented now that people surf for fun.

Now let's look at what people do in the water when they are ‘fun chasing’ for their own enjoyment.

We shall start with shouting and punching. If you are lucky (non-surfers) you may see a display so twattish that you may use it as a very acceptable excuse to stay a non-surfer. I will attempt to clarify. If you see two surfers sitting on their boards shouting at each other, they will almost certainly be discussing :

1. Who has the correct permissions to be surfing a particular wave (that has already gone past)

2. Who was born or lives nearest to their current geographical location and for how long. To these twats this seems to mean that means they have a ‘claim’ on the slice of energy moving through the water for the small moment it becomes vertical enough to slide down.

If you are not sure, things that may give this ‘discussion’ away might be, shouting, pretending not to hear, splashing water in each others faces, pointing towards the beach and lastly the paddling away shaking head and occasionally throwing hands in the air.

Here is what could happen if the twats do make it too the beach (according to Hollywood)

Some people call this localism, the real word is twats.

We will be discovering all the other ways that surfers are twats in some upcoming articles written by different people with different points of view so stay tuned.

If you found this article offensive then I offer utterly no retraction at all as I too am a self confessed and very big twat.