The Pipemasters 2017 – Why I have to like Gabriel

It’s no flaming secret that I am not a fan of Gabriel Medina, all my mates know it, I know it. Even my dear old mum (who does not know anything about my water world) understands that I would rather be smacked in the eyeball with a wooden spoon than hear his name announced in a winning scenario. My question to yours truly is why? What makes me want him to lose so much?

It boggles (confuses) my noggin (head) as I am not a racist and I don’t have a prejudiced bone in my body as to why I would wish this young lad to non-success? What is it about him that encourages me on this path of ill thoughts? Why am I telling you this?

It was a cosy night in the cottage (mum’s place), the fire was on, her old knackered dog was farting at my feet and I got a ‘ding’ alert on my phone signaling that the world title was on. It would be decided tonight. I shouted through to the kitchen for mum to bring me my laptop, opened it up and cracked a can of beer (classy I know). It was going to be an all nighter. But it didn’t turn out that way.

The heat I was looking forward to most was the showdown between Slats and Gabs. Injured foot or not I was sure Kelly was going to go down swinging and give the little Brazilian twerp a run for his money. If anyone could it was Kelly, come on middle aged successful American, I thought. Wait, what! Did I really just think that?

Having lost a bit of my usual interest in the WSL contests this year due to no Kelly and all the talk of wavepools, pay per and the ‘cardboard cutout’ after heat interviews, I found my juices were more than flowing again. This shite just got interesting again and I was more invested than I thought. Time ticked on, the empty beer cans piled up and the dogs farts became a little more regular and potent, my heat was approaching.

I called through to mum for another beer and was told that it was the last. I thought about packing her off to the shops but it was a cold night and I could spy some brandy on the shelf. What the hell, it was a special occasion and it was going to be flat in the morning. One large brandy and a few more puffs from the dog’s anus and the heat I had been waiting for began. I was sweating, my heart rate was elevated, I was excited for the first time all year to be watching Kelly and Gabs battle it out.

I am not going to analyze the heat or go into any depth about the rules, and if Gaby was right to drop in on Kelly and hinder his chances of winning. No, a thousand people will have done that already. The simple fact is that Gabs had more to lose than Kelly, it was worth the risk and it paid off.

What I would like to ponder on is my reaction to the result, the heat and the priority ‘drop in’. My mum said I had a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp, I was fuming. I can’t remember a time when watching surfing had got me that upset in the last couple of years. But why?

I have taken a couple of days to reflect, calm down and work out what the heck sort of human I was. I thought that this was the best way of conducting my musings to you. List all the things about Gabs that piss me off:

• Will do anything to win, play the tactics game, it's only the end result that matters, winning.

• He has said on many interviews that he loves winning, loves competing, in other words likes beating people.

• He is cocky and a showman.

• He is successful, has a bunch of money, sponsors and loads of world titles ahead.

That is all I could come up with, that's it! Which does not explain my feeling toward the little twit in that heat. I am normally quite a calm lad so what has happened? It was then that I realized that the list above could quite easily be applied to a young Kelly Slater. With this shocking fact I discovered I had, and have no grounds to want Gabs to not succeed.

So this is what I am going to do. I am going to spend the whole of next year trying to be pro Medina. I not going to purchase his jersey from the WSL wankers or get a tattoo or anything. What I am, going to do is put him in my fantasy team, speak good things about him to everyone (including mum), cheer him on in future events and try to support the little toerag, oops. Okay starting now.

If I have offended anyone writing this I do not apologize and suggest that if you want to feel real offence and prejudice acted out then you try and sit next to my mum's dog for an entire evening. It (like chloroform) helps puts things in perspective sometimes. Dickie out.