Instant Surfing Karma

If you surf then you need to stop now, if you want to try surfing, just don’t. It’s not worth it. You get addicted and grumpy, you need to live where there are no jobs and no one understands why, when the swell, wind and tide are just so, you can not have any obligations that come before surfing.

It is a hateful cross to bear but bear it I will. Too long have I been in this world to change, the forecast models swim through my head before sleep takes me and the possibilities of different scenarios play out.

When a swell is arriving and the winds favorable my cerebrum starts crunching the numbers, relinquishing other tasks and becomes focused on one task.

swell + good tide + good winds – crowds = everything

It is not what is advertised by the ‘carefree’ surfer image. It is totally inaccurate to the most unbelievable degree. We are not laid back people. We will not just ‘chill out’ if we miss a day with epic waves. This needs to be communicated, I feel, with those who wish to jump with two feet into this crazed and misunderstood arena.

Yes, surfing makes me happy. But so might crystal meth, and when there is no surf we are not happy, Not at all.

There, now I have you all in the right frame of mind about our beloved pastime I would like to share with you how important a role I believe Karma can play in the few moments of absolute bliss that we crave. Sometimes Karma can take a while to come around, and in other instances it can be almost direct and blatant. There are two recent examples of almost instant Karma return, one positive and one negative.

Bad Karma Instant Return : It was a crowded summer's day in the surfing lineup in one of Europe's most popular beach breaks, there was a nice swell in the water, a good sandbank, and a very light on-shore for some texture. With around fifty people, including quite a few groms, around my peak you could say it was full, there were a few different swells and waves of all sorts but a relatively relaxed atmosphere. Something for everyone. Every now and then there was a bigger, longer period swell that was showing it's teeth, but the sets where few and far between. The scene is set.

The star of our story, a lone SUP'er enters the water and paddles through the lineup to the peak, ignoring everyone else. No probs so far, I have nothing against SUPs and understand they have to sit a little further out. The Stand Up in question however had negligible skill and started trying to catch everything, which mean paddling at people and causing a bit of uncertainty among people who did not want to be hit by the heavy board. The inevitable happened. The SUP pilot missed a wave and fell off, but the board did not stop and remained on the wave ploughing through the lineup and hitting a couple of groms on its barraging course through to the beach. The guy did not have a leash on it turns out. A couple of the younger lads on the inside were left rubbing their heads, one would have a healthy bruise to show later, that's for sure.  A couple of the older guys in the water had words with the SUP'er during his swim in telling him to go and get a leash and explaining it could dangerous in such a crowded line-up without. Perfectly justifiable.

What happened next was an instant Karma return. The SUP'er grabbed his board off the beach and started to paddle out again, looking even less confident and shouting at everyone saying that he had a right to be there and they should f*ck off. In short, the guy was a numbskull.

Interlude: If the movie Spiderman taught me one thing, that was 'with great power comes great responsibility'. In this case 'with great volume comes great responsibility'. I love riding longboards and logs especially without a leash but only when it's not dangerous for others and I would never dream of doing such in a busy lineup. What can I say, respect others, my mum taught me well.

Back to the story. So as our SUP'er was paddling back out voicing his opinions, which boiled down to the fact that he thought injuring groms was okay just so he could have the freedom of paddling around without a leash. Just then a rare and large set appeared on the horizon. Our star spotted it and started to paddle frantically for the horizon, all verbalising forgotten, survival now paramount. He just made it over the first wave but the second had less water to break in and was towering over him, he was tantalizingly close and continued frantically paddling up the face of the wave. Just when he reached the top, the wave broke. It lifted the front of the SUP and smashed it into the guy's face. With his hands busy paddling he could not defend his face in time and board met nose with an audible crunch.

The SUP'er's board had returned to the beach solo, and he was left flailing in the lineup with only his paddle for company. The water was growing crimson around him from the clearly badly broken nose. He was calling for help, no one helped him. It was universally accepted he would have to swim in unaided , go home and leave us in peace. That's what happened.

There are wankers everywhere in the world and if only justice was as swift as in this case we'd all be better off. Instant Karma return, tick.

Now for some nice fluffy positive Karma return that happened just last week.

Good Karma Instant Return: You know the feeling when you look at the surf forecast and calculate the time to stop work and go for the surf, knowing the banks and tides, winds and swell you try to understand the optimum time slot that does not interfere with unavoidable commitments. In this case the commitment was picking up my son from school, this is something you just can not be late for.

I had to drive for 10 mins and go via the shaper's to pick up a board for which the conditions looked optimal, I could have an hour and a half of good surf and then drive to pick up my lad from school. Perfect.

I currently live in Portugal (Europe) which has had a huge forest fire problem this year to say the least, there had been a big one just a week before one kilometre from my house so people where on the alert. In some cases the fires had been naturally started due to a longer than usual spell with no rain, and in other cases it had been arson. What can I say, arseholes everywhere.

Having downed tools for the day and set off from my house at my pre-calculated best time to fit everything in and still make it to school, I saw a large plume of black smoke coming from the other side of the valley to which I live. The road took me in that direction and as I got closer I could see a large bonfire tucked around the back of a warehouse. The traffic was slow as a lot of people were driving slowly and 'rubbernecking', they wanted to have a look but no one was stopping. I decided to pull over and have a look. The gate to the property was locked and there was no one in attendance. The fire seemed to have been started by a human with piled up dry wood which was spread up the side of the warehouse. The warehouse was for sale. I started thinking dark thoughts and contemplated phoning the fire brigade, but had never had to do it before in Portugal and was uncertain of the number. Just then a guy in a nice car stopped and jumped out, he was dressed in a suit and on the way to work after lunch. He asked me what was up and just as he did the fire leapt up the grass bank next to warehouse and something exploded (maybe a gas bottle) in a huge blue flamed eruption that made us both wince. The guy phoned the fire brigade with shaky fingers. They told us to wait there until they arrived and that they were on their way.

My surf plans had been ruined but it was okay, it was the right thing to do and I could still have a surf just not as long, I could live with that. It turns out that it took a while for them to get there, then had to ask me questions as I was the first person on the scene, all the time the clock was ticking.

Job done I was on the way again, I stopped at the shaper's but the guy I had to see was not there. He was going to be back in twenty mins, grrrrr. The clock was ticking. I waited ten mins and then decided to go and check the surf, I had taken my fish (surfboard) just in case, and if push came to shove I could always surf that.

When I got to the beach, there were loads of people in the water and it was perfect. Glassy peaks up and down as far as the eye could see, but smaller than expected. I checked the time. Shit. I worked out that I now had 30 mins to get changed, have a surf and then get changed again before having to set off for school. The shortest surf in history and a lot of people. I decided that it was better than nothing and sprinted back to the car.

Paddling out in a frenzy I decided to sit wide of the crowd in the hope of getting a few good ones before my time was up. That's when this perfect wall came to me, I was in exactly the right place and took off, had an unforgettable ride all the way to the beach surfing like I did not know I could. Paddling back out at speed I saw another wall approaching, there was no one else even near me, I turned and took off on another beauty all the way in, smashing the lip to the beach. It was time to get out.

Walking up the beach I saw a friend who had been watching. He said " how did you do that?" He explained that there had not been two waves like that all day and that I had just picked off the best of the day in 10 mins. Looking back at the lineup I saw it again gone small or flat.

Only on my drive back, with some horrible eighties feelgood music on the radio station, did it occur to me that maybe the Karma gods had a role to play in it all and those two waves. Instant good surf Karma. Yeww.