Faces in the Flames-Which Character of the Beach Fire are You?

One of the great silver linings to the damp, fiscally unstable life of surfer is beach fires. Like making love, the mechanics are reasonably straight forward yet the reality is fraught with potential for disaster, for everyone involved to have good time the dynamics need to be right, due care and attention to the little things are what will make it special.

Here’s a kind of karma sutra of the beach fire with a few tantric tips and tricks picked out for the younger players amongst you.

Beach fires are where the memories are made, where fables from the waves slip into folklore, where you get to know our tribe and can be  truly contented.

To get it right you need to have good grasp of the logistics and most importantly a fine cast of characters.

The cast

The Organiser- Their role is to inspire and rally the troops. The golden rule here is to invite 100 and 50 will turn up, tell everyone its on an hour before the actual desired time of commencement (surfers tend to be a rather tardy bunch). The organiser must Keep every one inline in the embryonic stages don’t let potential nay-sayers bring it down with far fetched tales of happy hours in warms pubs - ‘fuck that’ they must say ‘we are people of the earth, of fire and the darkness outside’ and ‘the warm pub tis no land for us be gone you yellow bellied traitor’ etc

The Fire Starter- This person quite obviously starts the fire- timing is crucial here too soon and you’ll burn all your wood, people will peak too early. Light it too late and you won’t have any good embers to cook your din dins - a hungry mob is and angry mob. Most beach fires are started with a lighter and the contents of several people’s wallets- coffee loyalty cards, receipts and parking tickets all make great fire starters as do tampons(unused).

The Gatherers- a strange and elusive breed- gathers will forage the foreshore or wherever necessary to gather the fuel for the fire- some are more talented that others experience is the key here- while a newbie may bring back a giant stack of quick burning tinder-esque sapling branches the experienced gather with return sweaty browed with a single lump a perfect long lasting timber that will burn till dawn. As resourceful and ingenious as it may sound at the time ripping down fences, beach huts, gates etc is generally a pretty shitty thing to do (also breathing in treated timber and paint smoke will most likely lose you a bollock a bit further down the line).

The Fire Fascist- every fire needs one – the fat controller of the flames their role is keep  other meddling would be fire fascists away form ‘their fire’ strict control and placement of fuel is critical during the first couple of hours. This isn’t a job for a slouch, depending the crowd they must be willing to stand their ground, fan the flames when necessary, snap wood and flick stray embers. Vigilance and passion are key here.

The Poker- the poker is an esteemed character fairly early on during the evening they will acquire a slender straight stick one that they will hold onto for the remainder of the night. At opportune times generally while the fire fascist is looking the other way they will poke and slap the embers of the fires- its normally borne out of pent up sexual frustration or a power dominance thing. What ever their drive it serves an important function and improves efficiency and longevity of the enterprise.

The Nudger- the nudger is a quiet soul happy just to absorb the evenings happenings while every so often with the quiet blessing of the fire fascist  with a nimble thumb or toe nudge the overhanging un-burnt end of sticks and logs into the flames.

The Musical Dissenter/Track skipper - There will, no matter what music you put on-be a dissenter- some self proclaimed fashionista who will take a dislike to the music playing and make heinous claims for some random mood killing shite from some obscure corner of the musical universe, from some banging house track to Bulgarian gypsy wedding music or visa versa. The advent of digital technology means these fuck wits can skip tracks halfway though in frightening ease – while looking at the stars from your your deepest intellectual sanctum embroiled in the track playing marvelling as it perfectly articulates the very fibre of your soul, then this sunglasses–in-the-dark-tosser skips the track. In my opinion It is ok to hit them with a stick on fire.

The Yarner- Since the dawn of our species there’s been a yarner- a bespoke story teller some one who captivate and entertains in equal measure who can tell the most mundane story and turn it into an epic saga full of romance intrigue and drama then end it all with a side splitting punch line- very valuable- ply with booze if necessary.

The Cook -The key stone to any good beach party, normally under equipped and coupled with considerable pressure, they need to able to butcher, cook, check, divide and distribute hefty amounts of dinner to a ravagenus crowd with little more than dull pocket knife and sandy paper plate.

The Vegetarian -Always worth remembering about them, will start to look pale, hungry and forlorn without proper sustenance see if a big hearted provider can get hold some good fish or knock up a decent potato salad.

The Beer Thief - Steals other peoples beer- you will never catch them. Bastards.

The Marsh Mellow Slayer-some wonderful, wonderful person will remember the marsh mellows and the slayer with proceed to get three onto a structurally inadequate stick and thrust them deep into the flames, before long they will ignite and turn into confectionaries’ answer to napalm. Panicked and embarrassed they will shake their stick to put out flames splattering those around them will droplets of painful incendiary sugary slime. It is ok to toast marsh mellow for these people a bit like you would a child.

The Phoner - is a truly modern pest will really spoil the primitive feel of the evening will talk to those that deserted for happy hour in the pub,  be consistently getting fresh Facebook updates, passing round youtube clips of cats falling off things, will be silent for long periods of time and then suddenly get all animated about Kim Kardasian’s dress. It is perfectly ok the type in “how do I join ISIS” into their search engines, as you watch yet another unwitting feline suffer the indignity of slipping off a roof in mid-winter Wisconsin.

The Stranger- There’s always a stranger- invite them in-learn their name make them feel welcome and then silently judge them.

The lovers -mid way through the evening a gap will appear in the faces illuminated the flames if the crowd listens’ carefully squelching noises will heard coming from some where in the darkness- cheers and hoots to be administered upon their return.

The Spewer -A personal favourite- the spew will get carried away with the romance and freedom of it all drink and eat way too much too quickly, go quiet and pale for a while then take to wobbly feet disappear for a while and then return dissevered and groggy- it is important to check hair and face for chunder residue- administer water and cheap shit bread.

The Crop Duster their guts riddle with re-constituted ofal and traces of charcoal and warm fizzy beer they will move through the crowd distributing heinous and eye-wateringly bad silent farts never claiming a single one.

The Messyone -normally reeling from some kind deep and recent emotional trauma or just can’t handle their poison- they will skirt along on the border line between of offensive and obnoxious, they will mutter strange dark things into flicking of the flames, will make wild accusations and outlandish sexual propositions hopefully they will pass out before too long.

The Do-Gooder -always trying to look after someone- making sure every one’s warm enough, willing to get stuff from the car, go back the house and get the matches, nurse the spewer and ensuring the messy one doesn’t over do it. Annoying but really nice at the same time.

The Handbrake -can bee seen looking daggers at partner across the flames. Can turn nasty be vigilante. Ensure they are kept at the right level of drunk, warm and well fed.

The Lost One there is always someone lost. Either can’t find the fire in the dark in the first place, or wanders off, pissed out of their little minds to have a pee and gets disorientated.

The Flasher never quite gets far enough away for a pee( probably for fear of getting lost)   a stray head touch or sudden burst of flames can easily inadvertently exposes their urine soaked genitalia to their peers.

The Beacon refuses to take their head torch off, blinds every one they talk to. Perfectly ok the grab said torch pull away from their fore head and let go again offering swift and effective extra-judicial punishment.

The Clean Up- this is hopefully (although rarely) when the entire cast take a bow at the end of the evenings performance and all those still compus mentus must clean every morsel of litter, glass, bodily fluid, drag the wounded and unconscious back to base, ready for the next time.